


i still wonder who i would have been

by carabc03



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Bad Poetry, Bruises, Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt No Comfort, Nightmares, Original work - Freeform, Poetry, Prose Poem, Sad, i dont know why i wrote this, or why im publishing it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-23 20:39:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16626056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carabc03/pseuds/carabc03
Summary: we never talk about itsometimes i think it must have been a dreambecause if it wasn'thow can you stand to look at me?i know sometimes i can barely look at myselfand i feel sick whenever you’re too closeeverywhere is too closea poem about my experience with physical abuse. it was child abuse in my case, but it could apply to domestic violence or really whatever you want it to mean to you.





	i still wonder who i would have been

what is the difference between healing and forgetting?  
because i can't seem to find any  
at least not in your eyes  
they once held such contempt, such fury, such danger  
still i shake at the thought of it  
but you're different  
the bruises on your knuckles are gone  
the violence in everything you are seems to have dissipated  
we never talk about it  
sometimes i think it must have been a dream  
because if it wasn't  
how can you stand to look at me?  
i know sometimes i can barely look at myself  
and i feel sick whenever you’re too close  
~~everywhere is too close~~  
but you don't seem to see it  
it's like you’ve forgotten  
i wish i could forget  
yet the memories are permanently seared into my mind  
and although the marks you left are faded  
i still remember every one of them  
every bruise you gave me was a brand  
that only i can see  
but you're different  
so how could it matter?  
what could it mean that i still can't breathe at the thought of your fists?  
what could it mean that i can feel my heart racing when i think of what could happen if i misstep?  
what could it mean that even now i tremble because i know what you're capable of?  
you're different  
but do you see the way i still walk on eggshells around you,  
the way i tiptoe on shattered glass,  
dancing over dead leaves while trying not to make a sound  
because i don't know what would push you ever the edge  
what would bring That Look back on your face  
the one that still haunts my dreams  
and love, do you know that when i dream, i still wake up swallowing my screams?  
i'm too scared to make a sound  
too scared of what would happen  
do you know how i boiled in my long sleeves  
trying to hide the storms you left on my body?  
i feel like i'm drowning  
but how could i be if i never step in the water?  
do you know my friends think i can't swim because i had to decline all their invitations to the pool?  
you can't hide much in a bikini, after all  
and i had so very much to hide  
but still i ask myself  
what was i hiding from?  
who was i protecting?  
it sickens me to think i might have been protecting you,  
but i don't know who else i could have been shielding  
when it so clearly wasn't myself  
what was i afraid of?  
of you finally being caught for the monster that you are?  
or were  
i don't know anymore  
because you're different  
but still your smile seems too sharp to trust  
still your fists are too often clenched  
still i don't own a swimsuit  
Ryan, do you know how much i love to swim?


End file.
